Peaceful Toddler Discipline: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

A week and I have posted squat. Yikes! Tonight, I realized it's Thursday, and I had nothing prepared for my Friday Gentle Toddler Discipline slot...

Then I recalled a conversation I had earlier with my two mommy friends at the park. We were talking about how, while reading my posts about non-punitive discipline, one of my mommy friends thought I was totally "far out" in my thinking ... until she realized that she, in fact, did utilize a lot of the gentle techniques I have been blogging about: Positive reinforcement, redirection, explanation, empathy... once she realized that she used some of the "gentler" discipline ideas in her parenting, she instantly felt more comfortable with the idea of non-punitive discipline.

Neither of my mommy friends feel that they are totally (or even remotely) on the gentle parenting bandwagon with me, so to speak, but it is SO NICE to have positive conversation about it with them. They can see where I'm coming from, and are starting to see the route that I'm taking and where it is leading.

I was super happy when my friend from the "finger push assertion" day commented that she had noticed that Abbey was behaving differently when having to wait her turn, and that she wasn't as quick in venting her frustration. I told her that since that day, we have been focusing on how to approach turn-taking whenever it comes up, and I've just been guiding her to make the appropriate choices, respecting her friends' right to play, just as she would like them to respect her turn on the swing/slide/with the toy.

It was thinking about this conversation that I decided what to write about today. Respect. That thing Aretha Franklin sang about. That thing that we as a society ask of everyone (especially our children)... but don't always remember to give to others on a regular basis. It came up in conversation today that the only thing my punitive parenting friends were still confused about was my use of limits and boundaries, but the absence of consequences. I tried (and failed) to explain that as a child that is led gently to understand morality and appropriate behavior doesn't need consequences as they learn (i.e. forced time outs, writing lines, spankings, lectures, or anything of the sort) because as they learn what is appropriate, they are being guided by an ideal of mutual respect. So maybe with this week's Parenting Technique, I can explain a little better how children raised peacefully become led by respect and don't need "traditional" consequences to know right from wrong.

Peaceful Parenting Technique #4

Respect is a way of living

Talk about and model respect for your child, so that he seeks it always.

A child wants all of his interactions to be positive. From birth, that's what he's always needed - warmth, comfort, satiety, and peace in which to grow and learn. Children don't go out into the world seeking to make trouble, as many think they do. The "trouble" that we see them create is simply the result of their attempts to interact with the world around them. When a child acts out, it is most likely out of frustration... and the way that we can help them become less and less frustrated is by showing them that the way to achieve positive interactions with the world around them is to find mutual respect in all interactions. The most important aspect of respect is that it is a positive element that is useful and helpful, not a characteristic that we want our children to "put on" in order to please. We want our children to desire respectful interaction with the world, not to act respectfully for fear of punishment.

In our house we talk a LOT about respect... for our things, for our world, for the dishes, the dog, the plants, the window shades... and of course, mommy, daddy, and friends.

Statements about respect that are made quite often in our house:

If you respect your toy, and focus your attention on playing gently, you'll have fun instead of tears (and as an even greater result, your toys will remain unbroken!). (After I use this type of statement, I'll demonstrate for her different ways to use the toy, and then let her continue on with it. I use it a lot when she starts to get frustrated or bored with something and will start the beginnings of a little tantrum...)

Respecting your friend and letting her play with her toy made her feel so happy. Didn't seeing her smile make you feel happy inside, too? (this one is used quite often... with different applications, as Abbey is doing a lot of work at her age learning to socialize and play with others peacefully.)

If you'd like to help with the dishes, I need you to do so with care and respect. Can you bring me your plate and set it in the sink? Do you want to place it in my hand instead?

I see that you want to have fun with your cup, but we need to show respect for the food mommy (or daddy) cooked, and for the juice in your cup. Drink your juice carefully, and use your words. We can play when we're all done eating.

It sounds a little funny when you first start incorporating discussions about respect into daily life with your children . . . especially when you're talking about inanimate objects. But it's a great way to teach children that respect is not something that adults expect them to perform, but instead, respect is a way of life that reaps positive results (i.e. toys are more fun and learning is less stressful, friends are happy, we feel good about our actions, we can take care of our things, and we get a chance to be thankful and enjoy our food...etc etc). Taught this way, respect becomes a wonderful tool to help them on their way through the learning process. Talk about and model respect for your child so that he will constantly seek mutual respect from others (and from the world around him) by treating the world with respect.