Friday Focus: Alternatives to the "N" Word

The "N" Word

I'm talking about "NO" . . . the word every parent hates to hear coming out of his child's mouth, aimed straight at the heart of the discipline system. "No. I will NOT follow your directions. No, you're NOT the boss. NO I don't want to. . . "

Need I go on?

As modeling behaviors is the most functional form of true discipline, hearing fewer "no"s from our children could be garnered by using fewer "no"s in our own vocabulary.

But how can you never say no to a child? Or as one of my friends once asked me: "How can you expect her to act right if there's never a consequence?"

Just as authentic parenting and natural/gentle discipline does not equate to permissive parenting, neither does using alternatives to "no" equate to never saying "no"

 It doesn't mean that "no" is wiped completely from our vocabularies - but if we can find ways to limit the number of times our child hears "no" throughout their childhoods, then we'll teach them to express themselves more clearly than simply shouting out that one harsh word. "No!" "No, no no no no!"

My Favorite Articles on Alternatives to "No"

18 Ways to Say No Positively by Dr. Sears

Mayim Bialik, PhD discusses using "not for" instead of "no"  and other self-discipline techniques.

Alternatives to saying "no" from The Nurturing Center

My Favorite "No" Replacers

I use these replacements for "no" on a daily basis.

• saying what I do want to see (i.e. "walking feet!" instead of "No running" or "hands to yourself please!" instead of "No hitting/pushing/poking/pulling, etc")

• Saying "not for ___" instead of "no" (i.e. "not for chewing" when Joe sticks non-teethers in his mouth. . . or "not for jumping/playing" when Abbey jumps on the sofa or uses another piece of furniture inappropriately)

• Putting some distance between myself and the issue (a lot of the time, I jump to "no!" when I am frustrated with Abbey's behavior. In order to respond appropriately, sometimes I have to distance myself from the issue for a few seconds and take some cleansing breaths.)

• Using "Yes" as much as possible (i.e. "Yes, you may go outside as soon as you have shoes on." instead of "no, you can't go outside till you put your shoes on!")

Try counting the number of times you say "no" to your child during the day. Can you reduce the number by half?

What alternatives to "No" work well for your family?