Taking a Break

There comes a point when you just have to admit that you were wrong.

For me, the most recent day like this was this past Sunday.

Abbey got up in the morning feeling better, singing her cherub choir song and dancing around the house talking about church. Joseph didn't want to nap at 8:00, so I knew that it would be a late after-church nap for him, which caused tiredness issues, but once we got to church, he was reasonably happy in my arms. Abbey and I talked about how she was going to follow her teacher and her choir director's directions and that after she sang her song in church she'd be going back to the cherubs' classroom to play before communion. We talked about how important it is to be quiet in church so that we can hear what God has to say in our hearts. We talked about being respectful of our choir robes and not messing around with them. Abbey repeated these rules back to me, and kept humming her song as we walked into the preschool sunday school room. Joseph and I continued on to church and had a bit of quiet time before the service began.

And then it just all fell apart.

Not even one step into the church, and Abbey was talking 100 miles per hour about everything that popped into her head. And not whispering either. She was jumping up out of her seat and dancing around and talking about story time and Dora DVDs. The parent volunteer was trying to keep her entertained with what was going on in church, but she was just doing whatever Abbey wanted to do. The other 3-6 year olds were sitting in their seats, waiting for their cue to go up and sing, but Abbey was wriggling and standing and pushing her arms up and out of her robes. One of the Vestry members was sitting behind me and could tell that I was concerned about her behavior. She told me "It always seems louder to the mom, huh?" and I laughed it off with her, but I could feel my blood pressure rising. . . We TALKED about this. We PREPARED her for this. And she is STILL choosing to do everything opposite of what she's being asked to do! *facepalm*

And then when they went up to sing, she sang for maybe 15 seconds and then proceeded to 1. pick her nose and eat the boogers she found, 2. yawn, loudly and 3. fall down dramatically onto the steps. The congregation laughed, but no matter how cute and funny they found it, I found it frustrating and embarrassing. I felt awful for her choir director and the other children in the choir. They've been practicing their song for weeks, and Abbey took all the attention by acting silly, and yes, I'm going to say it - - - misbehaving. Acting naughty. Goofing off. My blood was really boiling at this point. . . my anxiety was getting the best of me, and I started thinking  : great. . . so now no one is going to believe that she was singing the entire song with perfect pitch all the way to church, or that I talked to her about the rules and expectations for church behavior. . . 

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For months now, I have been telling myself (and the naysayers) that her behavior is totally normal for a three-year-old, and that she will learn to fall in line and follow the rules of children's choir and understand the sanctity of the church as she experiences choir practice and is exposed to and included in church services. I have been telling myself (and the naysayers) that the best thing to do is to continue to talk about the choir and church rules and continue to include Abbey in choir practice and church, because if she's not included, she'll never learn. 

But I'm ready to admit that I was wrong. Kind of. It reminds me of this lovely reminder that I found at Courtney Kirkland's blog about why we always feel so alone in challenges. . . I feel like I thought I was doing what was right, but maybe I was wrong and didn't know it. . . and I should probably listen to the whispers in my heart about treating Abbey with love and kindness instead of demanding certain behavior from her. Even if it means not coming to church or children's choir for a while.

It boils down to the fact that she has years to learn how to follow rules and understand the sanctity of church and importance of worship, and it's just not worth the stress and worry to include her in these experiences if it doesn't fit with her personality at this time in her life.

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I lost it with her on Sunday after the nose picking, rule-breaking, wiggle-giggling, yawning, distracting behavior melted down into whining for me and then crying and screaming when I told her that we needed to leave and go home if she couldn't take a breath and calm down. And I feel just plain awful about it. I was a perfect picture of the parent I DO NOT WANT TO BE. Scolding. Shouting. Shaming. Blaming. Crying and breaking down. 

I ran into a dear friend in the parking lot, who talked with me and gave me a hug and reassured me. "Abbey is absolutely a normal three year old. I don't know who these angelic three year olds you speak of are. . . We all have moments when we lose it with our kids, but they know that we love them unconditionally and forever. It's OK to be angry, and it's OK to just decide church isn't worth the stress for a while."

And I've heard that before. People have told me that they didn't come to church regularly until both of their children were at least 4 or 5, or older. 

Photo Credit: Doepp Jakab

I want to go to church, but the alternative of staying home and worshipping in a simpler way isn't bad. I'm sure there's a good way to keep God in our lives without the stress of trying to get Abbey to "behave" at church and in sunday school. Sure- I thrive on community Worship - but right now, it's really about what's best for my children. Going to church isn't worth it if I feel compelled to shame my child into behaviors that she doesn't understand. And I can't even think about the last time that I really listened to a sermon. . . I'm always either rocking, bouncing, or nursing Joe, because he doesn't like the nursery (I think he gets really cold and bored down there). 

So, I've decided that we'll just take a break from church for a while. We talked about this when we got home and I had gotten Joseph down for a nap.

"I'm so sorry I yelled at you, Abbey." I said "You didn't do what you were asked, but that doesn't mean mommy should yell. I'm very sorry. We're going to take a break from church and children's choir for a while, ok?"

"It's ok, mommy. I like taking a break! That's a good idea!" And then she gave me a big kiss. And said words that made everything that happened that morning and all the nasty feelings just disappear:

"I super extra love you, mommy"

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What has been your experience with children at religious services?

Have you ever had to mandate a "break" from certain activities?