I am happy today to share my corner of the internet with fellow natural parenting mom Jennifer, author of Hybrid Rasta Mama and the dedicated Volunteer Recognition Manager for Natural Parents Network. Jennifer is mom to one beautiful, spirited little girl, and the author of the fabulous E-Book, Coconut Oil For Your Skin and the blog, Hybrid Rasta Mama. Jennifer is passionate about cloth diapering, attachment parenting, and green living. Today, she's sharing part one of her experience as a spirited child and delineating the powerful parenting that her parents used to guide her through the high level Intensity, Perceptiveness, Persistence, and Sensitivity unique to children with high spirit.
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I was a spirited child. Now I am a spirited adult.
As I look back on my spirited “self” growing up, understanding more about what being “spirited” really means, I find myself in awe of the outstanding parenting I was afforded. I know that this is not the case for many spirited children. We are a frustrating bunch.
Today I am going to reflect on how my parents went about parenting me. 35+ years ago, there was no such term as “spirited child.” I am not really sure what label I would have received had my parents sought one out. Probably something along the lines of “high needs.” But with or without a label, my parents did a stellar job in both understanding who I was and what I needed from them.
I am dissecting how I was parented one “spirited child” trait at a time. I want to look at what my parents did right and where they maybe could have improved a little. This is based on both my experience as THEIR spirited child but also as a spirited adult raising her own very spirited child.
Intensity, perceptiveness, persistence, sensitivity, limited adaptability, brightness, and control issues are common for spirited children. In addition, I experienced an empathic ability, and will discuss all of these traits individually. As it's been described before, all children can possess any and/or all of these traits. Spirited child are just SO MUCH MORE of them all.
- Intense. When I was in my comfort zone I was “on.” I had a vivid imagination, a flare for drama, and put no limit on how I expressed myself both in words and in action. When I was not in my comfort zone I went inward to the point that I was on another planet…”earth to Jennifer” sort of zoning out. What I was really doing was taking every single piece of the situation in and sorting it out in my mind. This required deep concentration and no interruptions. I gave everything my all. I threw every ounce of “me” into what I was doing or to whom I was speaking.
My parents never stifled my imaginative, dramatic side. They encouraged my whimsical side even going so far as to include all three of my imaginary friends into our daily lives. Danger, Bumpet, and Gangee were my parents’ other children. They allowed me to express myself through the “actions” of my imaginary friends even when those friends did not so wonderful things. They let me be as loud and as expressive as I needed to be. However, they provided balance in helping me walk that fine line between dramatic/imaginative and dishonesty.
My parents also allowed me the space I needed to go inside myself. They never pushed me outside of my comfort zone when it was obvious that I was deep in observation. They never insisted that I “snap out of it.” They also correctly gauged how much I needed their physical presence. Sometimes I did need the safety and comfort of their arms. Other times I just needed to be left alone to sit, observe, and process.
- Perceptive. Nothing was getting past me. Ever. My poor parents. I was onto all of their super sly parenting tricks. Sometimes I played along, other times I let them know I had their number. I’m sure it was frustrating for them to parent such a keenly aware child. I’m not one to encourage lying and dishonesty as a parenting technique but sometimes a small little divergence from the truth is needed. My parents rarely got one.
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They did a brilliant job taking the time needed to explain everything to me. In detail. As many times as it took for me to feel comfortable with the explanation. I remember my mother patiently explaining to me again and again and again WHY we could not do X,Y, or Z. I’m sure it was tedious. I’m sure that many times she thought “can’t we just freaking move on!” But my mother humored me and my keen awareness of life. She made sure that I had all of the information I needed.
Was this the best way to parent the perceptive side of a spirited child? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I think my mom may have done too much explaining at times. Although her explanations met my cognitive abilities, they did not always support where I was developmentally. Just because I could understand something did not necessarily mean I was ready to understand it. My father, lacking the same patience displayed by my mother, offered a much shorter, while still truthful explanation. I think that in the long run, his explanations were better suited to my needs. (Oddly enough he is now the grandparent who gives my daughter dissertations while my mother keeps it short and sweet!)
- Persistence. I was that monkey on your back. I would drive my parents crazy when I wanted/needed something. I held on and would not let anything go. I really do not think they had a right or wrong way in dealing with this. One person can only handle so much persistence from their child. Both my parents were patient with me when I locked onto something but there were times when they would lose their cool. They were human and dealt with me when I was like this as best they could in the moment.
Another aspect of persistence was how I expressed my beliefs. Never one to be wrong, I would debate, er, argue with my parents until the cow’s came home. I remember constantly being referred to as argumentative. I think my parents had a failure in this area. Labeling me with something rather derogatory almost added fuel to the fire. I started believing that I was argumentative as opposed to being a child who locked into her beliefs and ideas and supported them vehemently. I actually can remember feeling like my parents were pulling a bit of a power trip. In hindsight, and knowing what they probably know now about me, they should have found ways to work with my persistent side. Giving me better communication tools and strategies for when I was on my soapbox would have been better in the long run.
I grew into a pretty argumentative adult. I don’t mudsling but I can throw a little dirt. I never learned how to properly debate or how to express opinions that I was holding close to my heart. I really think that I needed more than my parents gave me in this area.
- Sensitivity. You did not want to insult me, criticize me, discipline me, embarrass me, tease me, laugh at me, or lie to me. My reaction would be extreme. I would go deep inside myself and brood for hours upon hours. There was no reaching me. My self-worth would take a huge hit. On the other end of the spectrum I would lash out and become uber defensive.
My parents choose their words very carefully. They knew that they had to take an “I” approach to the situation. If they were concerned about how much time I was spending at a friend’s house for example, they would approach it from their perspective and not accuse me or make it seem like a “bad” thing. Instead of saying “you need to stay home more. You are at Jaime’s too much.” They would say “Your dad and I really miss you at home. We would love more time together as a family.” I never felt defensive when my parents approached a “sensitive” situation with me in this manner.
My parents did have to pick up the pieces a few times and they did a stellar job at letting me have the time I needed to either broad or rage a bit. They would then reconnect with me, help me to better see their point of view or that of someone else, and then get me back to a better place inside myself.
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All in all my parents did an amazing job consciously parenting me as a spirited child. They weren’t perfect but they worked with who I was with the tools they had. I give them a lot of credit because I know how draining it must have been parenting a demanding, draining, very aware child. - Jennifer
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For more on The Spirited Child, check out the other articles in my Understanding The Spirited Child series:
She's Got The Spirit: Accepting my Spirited Child by Amy Willa
Self-Care and The Spirited Child by Amy Willa
The Spirited Sibling by Kymberlee Graves
 | Jennifer is a former government recruiter turned stay-at-home mama to a precious daughter (Aaliyah) brought earthside in March 2009. She is passionate about breastfeeding (especially extended breastfeeding), co-sleeping, attachment parenting, cloth diapering, green living, babywearing, peaceful parenting, a Waldorf approach to education and parenting, playful parenting, getting children outside, as well as cooking and eating Traditional Foods. Jennifer believes that it is extremely important for moms to have a strong network of support and to that end has been active both in her local La Leche League and Attachment Parenting chapters. |
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