Reflections of Weakness

In the spirit of Easter Sunday, and the celebration of new life in Jesus Christ, our Risen Savior. . . I want to share about a challenge seemed insurmountable and completely shameful. . . and then turned out to be really easy to overcome. . . by just accepting and remembering love.

Today is part one, and next week, I'll post part two. Soon, this will be a series on ways to allow love to help us be gentler people (and parents). . . so look out for that later.

But onward to part one of my story (or, the shameful revelation)

- - - 

Whoa.

I saw my reflection today, and it was ugly.

"Thanks for putting up with me today, Jed" I told the Hubs after Joseph's birthday party. "I was kind of mean to you, and I was mean to Abbey. . . I just wanted Joseph to have a nice birthday party - but some of the stuff that happened - I feel like it's all my fault."

His response was that he didn't know what I was talking about - that I was fine. . . but I think I know differently.

But Abbey was a total pill today. A pill that was really hard to swallow. 

"Stop that and listen!" she said to her friend. "No really - shut your mouth! That's rude. I don't want to hear that rude, nasty mouth." and sand went flying.

Hubs brought her inside from the sandbox for a "break" inside to calm down.

"Stop it! I - HAD - THAT - TOY - FIRST. Do you UNDERSTAND me!?"

More flying objects, and another break.

"I swear to GOD!" "I swear to GOD!" "I swear to GOD!"

At this point, I had no idea what to do anymore. Hubs had tagged out of the parenting bit for a while because of a physical impairment (he was hurling in our bedroom. . . some weird stomach thing) . . . I was holding a sleeping Joseph who had fallen asleep at the breast, and my older child was running around saying "I swear to GOD" to her "sweethearts" while she played "mommy" . . . 

*facepalm*

Am I really that awful? I looked at my mom (visiting for the weekend) and my face begged for forgiveness and help. 

"I'm really just supposed to ignore the things she is repeating?" I squeaked. . . "I taught her all of those phrases, in my worst moments. I feel awful." 

Photo Credit

I felt like bawling my eyes out.

Every single moment of trying to keep my cool and model appropriate behavior, and be a conscious and authentic and gentle parent was spiraling down the drain in my minds eye as I heard Abbey say over and over again . . . "Do you UNDERSTAND me?" "I swear to GOD!" "Seriously, shut your mouth!" "and "Are you KIDDING me?!" to her friends, to herself, to my (adult) friends. . . 

Over and over. . . my worst qualities were being openly mirrored - by my three-year old - as she repeated phrases that she's probably heard only once or twice (but all recently, in the last two weeks of Hubs' deployment).

And I don't know how to handle the guilt. I feel so guilty for yelling at her in my times of desperation - for saying inappropriate things in times of personal, mommy-is-seriously-losing it crisis, and giving my sweet, spunky baby girl something inappropriate and awful to mirror. And she mirrors me so well.

I saw my reflection today, and I didn't like what I saw. 

Tomorrow, I hope that I look at my little pig-tailed mirror and see that my reflection is a little sweeter.