Self Care and the Spirited Child

Welcome to the April 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Kids and Personal Care
This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have shared stories, tips, and struggles relating to their children's personal care choices.

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Self-care with Abbey has been both a struggle and a blessing. As a spirited child, Abbey must have things just so, and will often react emotionally and explosively if things aren't done in a manner that jives with her idea of order and logic. However, being such an independent and strong-willed child has it's perks, because she's taken it upon herself to learn how to care for her body on her own without too much prodding from mommy and daddy. I'd like to share some things I have learned about self-care and routine from encouraging self-care and cleanliness with my spirited and awesome Abbey.

Cleanliness and Routine:

Abbey is an active child and doesn't like to take the time to follow through with every activity that she pursues. As such, I realized recently that I have to be on her like a hawk about wiping, flushing, and washing her hands after pottying. Likewise, I have to be on her like a hawk about brushing her teeth and washing her face - things that just don't seem necessary to a child whose bent on exploring every single thing she can from the moment she wakes up to the time she goes to bed. 

I have found, however, that once a routine is established with Abbey, she will consistently complete the routine given a firm and succinct direction about it. "Teeth" is all I have to say after bath time to remind her that she needs to brush before bed. There may be a fight about who puts the toothpaste on, or an emotional breakdown about Abbey not being able to brush her back teeth with the preciseness that she yearns to have. . . but "teeth" is all it takes for her to understand that before she gets PJs and a story, her teeth must get brushed, one way or the other.

Striking a Balance:

I have found that giving Abbey the right balance of independence to connectedness helps her to care for herself appropriately while fostering a comfort level that's uniquely hers. Some other children her age may be able to perform self-care tasks like brushing of teeth and hair, washing hands and face, and putting on clothing independently, and still others may balk at doing these things alone. Abbey can do these things by herself, but breaks down in emotional fits when she isn't able to do them exactly as she desires. So, I stay connected to the self-care by being present in the room with her and helping as I need to.

For instance, if the PJs she wants to put on are dirty, she will try to take them out of the dirty laundry and wear them again. And she will fight to wear the dirty PJs! I can't let that happen, especially if the PJs have food or bodily fluids on them - so I have to step in to help her get over the fact that she cannot have the PJs that she wants.

Photo Credit

Another example is when she is putting on her socks in the morning. She will have a giant fit if she puts on the sock and the toe-seam is not lined up with all of her toes. I repeat: giant fit. I am NOT kidding about this. Usually, I request to help her with her socks so that they don't "make [her] disappointed" as she so eloquently (yet feverishly) puts it. Yes, she can put her socks on by herself. . . but it's probably not a good idea for her to do so, because she'll be in the midst of a giant fit for 10 minutes if the sock doesn't go on correctly on the first try.

There are other self-care activities that she takes pleasure in completing herself, like washing hands, bathing, and wiping her face. I allow her to do these things without my help, and that fosters her sense of independence - - - balancing the connectedness that I provide for the other self-care activities (like dressing and brushing her teeth) that still require assistance. 

Tweaking Expectations

All in all, I feel happy that Abbey has started taking responsibility for her own self-care, and though it wears at me some days to deal with the fits that happen over slightly imperfect situations, I know that my sweet and spirited girl is well on her way to being able to take care of herself and her body. 

If you are having trouble with your little one over self-care, it may be helpful to take a look at the balance between independence and connectedness, and experiment with different ways to accomplish the necessities of cleanliness while teaching self-care and fostering a can-do attitude. 

Every child is unique, and just as there is no set age expectancy for walking, talking, weaning, or any other milestone, there is no magic age expectancy for independent self-care. The most important thing in my opinion is to continue to follow and challenge your child, and be there to help when needed.

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Visit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!
Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:
(This list will be live and updated by afternoon April 10 with all the carnival links.)

• Rub-a-Dub Co-Bathing in Our Tub — Bath time is more than soap and water! That Mama Gretchen shares how co-bathing with her toddler has opened up a world of cleanliness, learning, and bonding.
• This is How We Take a Bath — Shannon at GrowingSlower shares her special formulas for babywash and a happy bath time.
• How to Gently Trim Your Toddler's Nails — Shannon at The Artful Mama discusses some of the gentle suggestions she has received to help Little Man overcome his anxiety of having his nails trimmed, as well as how she copes with her need for his nails to be trimmed.
• Baby bath time and skin care — Ursula Ciller shares some simple and natural tips for bathing and skin care.
• Want Your Child To Love Getting Clean? Have Them Make Their Own Soaps, Shampoos, and Lotions! — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her secret to empowering her daughter to "get clean." Together, Jennifer and her daughter make their own body washes and lotions which makes clean up time fun!
• Encouraging Self-care Through Awareness... and Fun — Amy at Presence Parenting shares some tips on how to transform self-care from a struggle into an opportunity -- for kids and adults.
• Caring for kids' curls — Lauren at Hobo Mama tells you how to clean, condition, comb, and style ringlets and waves on little heads.
• Playing in the Rain — Jorje of Momma Jorje loves how her family has come to make a family event of showering!
• The Cleansing Power of the Football — Rachel at Lautaret Bohemiet talks about her son's favorite bath buddy.
• Coconut Oil: Nature's "Baby Magic" — Megan at The Boho Mama has only one must-have baby care item in her cupboard: Coconut Oil!
• For Sensitive Kids, Less Is More — Kadiera at Our Little Acorn finds less cleaning is better.
• Bathtime: Just Another Chance to Play! — Lyndsay at Our Feminist {Play} School discusses the many reasons bath time is important - getting clean isn't one of them.
• Hygiene? What hygiene? — Sheila at A Gift Universe confesses some of her most embarrassing hygiene secrets.
• Confused About Chemicals? — Jaye Anne at Wide Awake, Half Asleep describes how to find out where the toxic chemicals are in your house and tips on alternatives.
• Clipping Those Talons — ANonyMous at Radical Ramblings describes the ways her daughter's tolerance for personal care has changed over time, especially when it comes to nail clipping.
• Sit Back, Relax and Unschool Hygiene — Instead of focusing on tactics of how to 'get' your child to focus on hygiene, Authentic Parenting explains how to help your child internalize hygienic standards.
• Help! My Tot will not let me brush her teeth! — Mudpiemama shares five positive ways to help toddlers brush teeth and sabotage the tooth fairy’s secret conspiracy.
• Self Care and the Spirited Child — Amy at Toddler In Tow shares how a balancing act between independence and connectedness helps her spirited child learn appropriate self-care.
• Hairbrushing is a Safety Issue — Dulce de leche guest posting at Natural Parents Network explains that although tangles are not a safety issue, self-confidence and body boundaries are.
• 15 Ideas to Prepare Toddlers and Preschoolers for Dental Procedures — Dionna at Code Name: Mama is sharing ideas on how to thoughtfully prepare little ones for dental visits (particularly those that require anesthesia).
• Holistic Care of your Toddler's Teeth — Erica at ChildOrganics tells a tale of her children's teeth issues and how she uses homeopathy and good nutrition to keep cavities at bay.
• Bath Time Bliss : Fuss-Free Bath Time for Toddlers — Christine at African Babies Don't Cry shares how she has made bath time completely fuss free for both her and her toddler.
• Homemade Natural Toothpaste — City Kids Homeschooling hosts a guest post on a homemade natural toothpaste recipe that kids will love!
• Bathing Strike Strategies — Crunchy Con Mommy offers her best tips for keeping your little ones clean when they refuse to bathe.
• Bodily Autonomy and Personal Hygeine — Mandy at Living Peacefully with Children discusses the importance of supporting a child's bodily autonomy in the prevention of abuse.
• A Tub Full of Kiddos! — Kat at Loving {Almost} Every Moment has kiddos who love the water, so bathtime is a favorite evening activity!
• The Trials of Tidying My Toddler — Adrienne at Mommying My Way shares the difficulties she has with getting her on-the-go son to be still enough to get clean.
• Wiped Clean — Laura at Pug in the Kitchen shares her recipe for homemade diaper wipe solution to clean those sweet little cloth diapered bottoms in her home!
• Snug in a Towel: Embracing Personal Grooming — Personal care is time consuming,especially with more than one child; but the mama at Our Muddy Boots is learning to embrace this fleeting and needful time.
• EC: All or Nothing? — Elimination Communication. Even the title sounds complicated and time consuming. It doesn't have to, if you adapt it to meet your family's needs, says Jennifer at True Confessions of a Real Mommy.
• Routine Battles — In a guest post at Anktangle, Jorje of Momma Jorje outlines a simple incentive to help inspire your little one to follow a routine.
• Redefining Beauty For My Daughter — Justine at The Lone Home Ranger relays her struggle to define her own femininity and how her preschooler unexpectedly taught her a lesson in true beauty.
• Rub-A-Dub-Dub, Three Girls In The Tub — Chrystal at Happy Mothering shares how she turns bath time into a few minutes of peace and quiet.
• Montessori-Inspired Activities for Care of Self — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now has a roundup of Montessori-inspired activities for care of self and ideas for home environments that encourage independence.
• 10 Gentle Tips for Little Ones Who Hate the Bath — Kim at life-is-learning gives 10 tips to get your little one into the bath and maybe even enjoying it.
• The Boy With The Long Hair — Liam at In The Now discusses his son's grooming choices.
• Personal Care in a Montessori Home — Melissa at Vibrant Wanderings shares a summary of the ways she has organized her family's home to make for easy, Montessori-inspired toddler personal care.
• Styling Kids — Kellie at Our Mindful Life is letting her kids decide what to look like.
• Clean Kids: Laundry and Bath Tips — Kimberly at Homeschooling in Nova Scotia shares tips on how to get your children helping with laundry plus recipes for laundry and liquid soap.
• How to Clean Your Children Naturally: A Tutorial — Erika at Cinco de Mommy shows you how to clean your children.
• Cleaniliness is next to... dirt — The lapse-prone eco-mom (Kenna at Million Tiny Things) sometimes forgets to bathe the kids. Except in the mud pit.